NOTE: Having just read Bridget Jones’s Diary, I shall write post in manner of Bridget Jones’s Diary.
October 26, 2017.
Number of times have rung doorbell: 5,322 times. V. Bad
Number of rocks painted: Nil.
3:15 pm: Have just picked up Peter from Academy and shall head straight home as Thomas must stay after school for Student Council. Husband will pick Thomas up later. This is V.G. Chance to have nice quiet afternoon painting rocks in manner of Buddhist Monk.
3:17 pm: Realize “nice quiet afternoon” does not exist in household so must amend expectations. Will plan to give Peter bath and start dinner before painting rocks in manner of Buddhist Monk.
3:45 pm: Arrive home, get out of car, and hear dog whimpering inside. Dog must need to go to potty. As Peter also needs to go to potty, hurry to carry various items from car into house, get Peter out of car, hurry back inside, and let dog out back door.
3:47 pm: Standing on back deck watching dog, I hear SLAM! CLICK! Pray I have mis-heard ominous sounds and turn slowly to look at back door. Back door is closed. Back door is locked. AGH! V. Bad!
3:48 pm: Panic sets in as scenarios race through brain. Peter needs to go potty. Peter is alone in house. Pantry is unlocked. All room doors are unlocked! MUST GET INSIDE NOW! Rattle door knob frantically and shout “Peter, open the door!” quite loudly, in manner of Drill Sergeant.
3:49 pm: Dog has returned to deck with expectant look at door. Peer in door window. Can see Peter sitting on living room chair. He looks at me. He looks at dog. He looks at iPad. Ignores my shouts to unlock door. I look down at dog. She looks at door. Peter looks at us both. Ignores us. GAAAAHHHH!
3:52 pm: Okay, must stay calm. Calm. Deep breaths. Am calm like zen Buddha. Think of options. Garage is closed. No windows are open. Do not have phone as phone is inside on kitchen counter. Do not know if neighbors are home. Even if neighbors are home, do not remember any important phone numbers as numbers are stored on phone. Which do not have.
3:55 pm: Decide to try going to front door and ringing doorbell. Peter does not like doorbell, so have hope he will want to stop annoying sound. Make way to side gate to head to front of house and STOP. Side gate is padlocked. Padlocked?! Why? WHY?! Why is back gate padlocked? GAAAHHH!!! Does husband think padlock on 5-foot fence will stop burglars? Does husband think padlock will keep greyhound from jumping 5-foot fence? What is POINT of padlock?!
3:59 pm: As do not know combination to padlock, have decided to leap over fence in single bound. Or get chair from deck and climb over fence in manner of clumsy awkward clown. Hope there are no neighbors watching antics.
4:01 pm: At front door. No sight of boy. Proceed to ring doorbell 5,322 times while yelling “Peter! Open the door! PETER!!!” Might have mumbled curse word or two. Or five.
4:06 pm: Am just about to head to neighbor’s house when see Peter coming down stairs. He looks at me. He looks at iPad. He looks at me.
4:07 pm: Have inspiration. “Peter, do you want a cookie?!” I yell. EUREKA! Peter comes to door and fiddles with lock.
4:10 pm: Peter cannot turn lock. Are you kidding me? He is Houdini Boy. He has unlocked all child-proof locks in existence. Now cannot turn bolt lock?!! GAAAHHH!!
4:12 pm: “Turn the lock HARD, Peter! Turn it HARD!” Am beyond caring if heard by neighbors. Have turned into sweaty mess.
4:15 pm: CLICK! Hurrah! Hurrah! Peter has unlocked door! Rush inside, hug him, and say, “You did it! You unlocked the door!” Then yell at him for locking door in first place. Then hug him again. Then yell again. Now must…OOH! Telephone.
4:30 pm: Was husband. Hung up phone after quite long rant beginning with “Do you know what YOUR SON did to me?!” Realized did not ask husband why he called. Also forgot to ask PURPOSE of PADLOCK. V. Bad.
10:33 pm: Did not have quiet afternoon painting rocks in manner of Buddhist Monk. Never have quiet afternoon painting rocks in manner of Buddhist Monk. Am painting rocks, though, finally. Is a start. V.G.